I had a conversation recently with someone who didn’t get the
real point of doing the Huber Cure.
He thought the Cure had only to do with eliminating illness, and I realized I
have not been clear that the benefits of the Cure are twofold. (The Cure is an
approach to illness that has a person go to bed at the first sign of symptoms
and stay in bed until all symptoms have passed. For those unfamiliar with the
subject, there is a blog named The Huber Cure, December 2011.)
Benefit #1: It’s a kind way to be with the body and
jumpstart the healing process. It is not popular. It’s astonishingly effective,
and it is not popular.
Benefit #2: The Cure is one of our best opportunities to see
the battle ego wages for attention, revealing how ego works to take us out of
the present, out of what’s actually happening, what’s good for us, and what
supports us in order to drag us into its world of should/have to/gotta DO.
The fellow I was talking with didn’t recognize watching that
process unfold for the opportunity something like being sick is. To him being
sick was just a matter of “I can be in charge of how I feel and how to take
care of myself. I don’t want to go to bed and do nothing when I feel
like I have enough energy to do something.” He saw it as just content. He saw
it through the lens of the conversation in his head.
He couldn’t see being sick as an awareness practice issue.
But it is. It is an awareness practice opportunity par excellence. It is the equivalent of one of Gandhi’s
“experiments in truth.” It is a chance for us to use something “low stakes” to
get good at something that will end suffering. When we say “end suffering” that
can seem very big. And, it is. But we can hone our skills at ending suffering
in small daily situations—if we choose to.
Here’s another low stakes example: I’m deeply attached to
drinking coffee in the morning. Not just generic coffee, “my” coffee, the way I
like it, when I like it, where I like it, and, yes, out of the cup I like! So
what? It’s not a big deal. Why not? It’s what I like, I can afford it, it’s not
hurting anyone, it’s a completely harmless enjoyment.
All that is true. It’s not a big deal unless I want to wake up and end suffering.
If waking up and ending suffering is what I want to do, that
“harmless enjoyment” is a perfect opportunity to see the incessant pull of ego
toward the fulfillment of karma.
By paying close attention I get to see that ego—an illusion of a “self,” a “me” that
is separate from Life and that solidified its takeover of “me” around puberty—is
invested in that coffee being consumed because
that’s how ego controls me.
Ego, an illusion masquerading as “me,” sets up my life with
all these things that supposedly “I want” such that I fail to notice that when
I’m HERE, present, with Life, I don’t really care about them. What does desperately care about them is ego, not
because ego actually wants them but because they are an expression of ego’s
power over me, proof that I will want
what it tells me to want.
This is subtle stuff. No doubt about that.
There I am, going along practicing awareness, and I’ve
realized from a stepped back, disidentified perspective that I’m not what you
would call casual about that first
cup. I see that if I don’t have it, and on time, I get grumpy. Heck, I get
downright mean. So I decide I want to see what happens to me if I don’t drink
that coffee I like so much. I say, “I’m going to take a break from coffee for a
while. I’ve become attached to it,
dependent on it, and I don’t like that. Maybe I’m addicted. Wonder if I’ll get
one of those withdrawal headaches….”
After entertaining a few thoughts about not drinking coffee,
ego starts agitating, questioning, arguing for, making cases against… and I get convinced that I (real person, me) authentically wants to drink that
coffee. “You don’t need to stop. That’s silly. You love coffee. There’s nothing wrong with it. Why do you want to
deprive yourself of something you love for no reason?”
When I treat that conversation in my head the way I normally
do, as if it’s “just me thinking,” my response is something like, “I just want
to see what happens.” BUT when I don’t make coffee, make tea instead, and the
voices scream, “No! I hate tea. I want coffee!” if I’m not paying attention
I’ll think that’s “just me” pitching a fit. Identified with ego, I believe
that’s me ranting and raving and carrying on. If I have not moved into an
observer role I think it’s me complaining and kvetching, victimized and despairing.
And this is the really tricky place in awareness
practice. If I don’t have it in the front of my conscious awareness that I, the authentic human being, the one
who wants to awaken and end suffering, is the one choosing this experiment,
then I’ll believe those voices are me, I’ll toss the tea, brew the coffee, and never
hear ego breathe its sigh of relief.
While it’s true that this is a subtle place in practice,
what’s going on is not subtle at all. Ego/I is pulling out all the stops. It’s
screaming, whining, moaning, arguing (think a 3-year-old being told “no more
candy” or a teenager being told they can’t go to that whatever with their
friends).
I have a sad, horrible image for this particular juncture: a
great fat worm on a fishhook. It’s writhing hideously, wiggling, twisting,
bucking, doing everything it can to get off that hook. That is exactly what ego
is doing in its efforts to get its way. And, if I’m identified with ego, I feel
just like that worm. I hate it. It feels awful.
All the sensations in the body are hysterical. It feels like
my nerve endings are going to crawl out through my skin. I’m flailing around.
I’m in agony! I WANT THAT COFFEE! I WANT THAT CIGARETTE. I WANT THAT CHOCOLATE.
I WANT THAT SUGAR. I WANT THAT DRINK.
We’re talking detox here. But the difference between a
program where the addiction is removed from you until the physical craving
(that worm on the hook) calms down, we are the addict, addicted to
identification with ego. And the detox facility? The conscious compassionate
awareness that is assisting a human being to end suffering.
The pull to giving up and going with what ego wants is
nearly irresistible. That’s why almost nobody makes it past an ego addiction that
ego is determined to maintain.
However, if I can stay in the position of observer, stay in
awareness, be the witness to the process, I am going to come out on the other
side as a much more awake human being. Not only will I have a different
relationship with that specific content—I can now drink coffee or not drink
coffee and the choice truly is mine (as long as I’m paying attention and not
falling again for an ego con!)—I have a completely different relationship with
the process of ego addiction (again,
as long as I’m paying attention and not falling for an ego con).
This takes a lot of resolve, a lot of interest in freedom, a
lot of willingness to save a suffering person. What’s involved here is choosing
this “workshop,” choosing to face down a low stakes ego addiction when I don’t have to. (Can I not use my
favorite pen? Can I take a different route to work? Can I enjoy doing a task I
usually hate? Can I use being late as an opportunity to slow down and be polite
in traffic? Add you own….) We’re not waiting until the doctor says, “If you
don’t stop that you’re going to be dead in six months” to go against feeding
our addiction to ego. We’re doing it on
our own terms because we choose to.
You catch a cold and it flattens you. You want to stop
eating sugar. You want to meditate for a few minutes every day. You want to
stop yelling at the kids or going crazy in traffic. You want to get fit. You
want to be able to sit through a meeting and pay attention to what’s being
said. You want to make and keep a
commitment to yourself for something that will be good for you.
We must choose freedom from ego’s tyranny when we don’t have to.
Unless we see through this process, unless we get it that
the voice talking in the head, the voice of ego, is NOT “me,” we are doomed to
live for “it” and not for ourselves.
It’s true that for a lot of people there will be a periodic spark
of clarity, the realization that “there’s something I could do to get out of
this.” But when identified with ego, it’s going to be a brutalizing process, on
a large scale in big life circumstances or on a small scale in everyday life.
Either way, brutal is brutal, and once we know we don’t have to be made
miserable by a “force” that has nothing to do with us, we tend to be more
committed to tossing the parasite out.
As I get to the place in practice where I know moving into an observer position is
always possible, I recognize that movement as something I can choose. Now it’s
a whole different situation because I’m required to remember. I have practice and Sangha and supports in place so I’m
going to remember a lot sooner, and I’m going to up my chances of moving into
an observer position so I can watch what ego is doing. Yes, I may get
identified with ego as I’m watching it,
but then I remember I can disidentify
and step back, can become the witness, and as I watch what ego is doing—and how
I’m in relationship to it—the whole process becomes clearer and clearer.
What I see from the perspective of observer is the three
distinct points of view: 1) the human being, 2) egocentric karmic
conditioning/self-hate, and 3) the Unconditional Love that animates the human
being. I can see how ego moves in and “takes over” the human being. (Think Body
Snatchers, or how a crowd can be whipped into a violent frenzy by hateful
speech.) When the human being is taken over, the human body becomes the
“vehicle” for ego to act out its attention-snatching antics. Seeing that moves me
into what we might call “an identity with Unconditional Love” that makes me
want to save/protect the human being.
As we continue to observe, we have a growing sense that
“this human” is moving from “taken over by ego” to “one with Center,” and it’s
that movement from “reinforcing karma” to “ending karma” that a human being is
engaged in. With awareness practice we are making that process conscious.
In Gasshō
ch