While I don’t idealize sugarcoating, I never mean to be cold
or unfeeling. In the world of waking up and ending suffering, it’s not helpful
to “pretend.” Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate pretends (to be nice, be
polite to people’s faces) in order to stay safe, unseen, hidden. It’s the
quintessential puppet master, pulling strings just out of sight. That has no
place in awareness practice.
Communicating clearly, offering clear information, is kind.
Bodhidharma was called Grandmother because he was so compassionate, never
hesitating to hit someone along side the head if they were lost in conditioned
mind!
Walking the path of waking up and ending suffering, we
choose to take advantage of all information we find in our path. If it’s in my
path, it must be for me. Because we’re practicing to see karma/ego ever more
clearly, nothing is perceived as too harsh. Only ego reacts in defensiveness.
Early in my tenure at the monastery where I trained I
received a huge “spiritual opportunity” when I asked my teacher, in a rather
large group of people, a “why” question. I never knew so much could be said about
why without ever addressing the why! It was brutal. If I’d wondered before what
of me was authentic and what was ego, that question would have been answered
through those grueling (what seemed like) hours but must only have been
minutes. It felt as if at least 100%
of me was being crushed, sifted, and discarded. Much later I realized the
authenticity was there, not at all
concerned about ego’s mortification, right ready to bring me back to the next
opportunity. Praise be!
Oh, and I never asked another why question. I got the
lesson.
My point? If we are to be free, we must go through and let
go all of egocentric karmic
conditioning/self-hate’s resistance. I don’t want to, I don’t do that, that’s
not me, I don’t feel like it, it’s crazy, I’m too tired, it’s too hard, it’s
scary, I can’t and all that digging-in-heels ilk must go. They must cease to be
a part of our reality. No longer will they pull us up into conditioned mind,
siphon off our energy, and make us believe that ego’s whining is our whining.
People suffer over all sorts of life content, as we all well
know: relationship, money, jobs, security, future, anxiety, not enough, benefits,
depression, the past, health, appearance, sex, worth, etc. There’s endless agony as the voices of
self-hate drag a person from one misery-producing “thing” to the next. “How
will I?” “But should I?” “What if…” “I’ll never…” “You didn’t…” “Well, you
should have…” Conversation after conversation with one focus and one
outcome—suffering.
In practice we have many, many opportunities to confront the
voices and get out of the conversation. Some opportunities we’re allowed to
participate in, some the voices say no to. Ah, yes, it is voices saying no.
We’re brainwashed into believing “I make the decisions in my life,” but in a
lucid moment we know believing that is silliness. The voice in the head calls
the shots. Moderate resistance means I probably get to do whatever; a lot of
resistance means I don’t. No matter how long I’m willing to pretend
authenticity is making my choices, sooner or later I’ll have to admit I’m a
slave to the voices in the head.
I started this series of blogs writing about money and money
karma, but we’re expanding beyond that because money is only one piece of
content, interchangeable with all content. Given that, here’s the straight
scoop. Not mean, not sugarcoated, just the “how it is.”
If we are suffering over something and we don’t want—which includes
we are afraid — to address the cause of the suffering, we need to
face that we’re choosing suffering and we need to stop complaining.
If I’m choosing suffering, I might as well acknowledge my
choice and accept that I choose to suffer rather than having to go up against
egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate in order to end the suffering. No
pretending here. No saying one thing and doing another. I don’t want to face
those voices when they start shrieking and threatening so I’ll just do what
they say. My choice.
This could be a
quick way out of the conversation in the head. The conversation is about what’s
wrong, yes? If I admit I’m choosing what’s wrong because I don’t choose to end
what’s wrong, what’s there to talk about?
Of course, the voices will switch to “Well, you should,” but
we know what that’s about, yes? So, we can just sigh, look aggrieved and
acknowledge, “Yes, I probably should,
but I don’t choose to.”
A tangential, yet significant, point we do well to consider
as conditioned human beings is this: In believing I am ego and ego is me, I am
agreeing that the conversation in the head is me talking to me. In agreeing to
that, I am agreeing to indulge the suffering drama in the head—and the ruined
life it results in—rather than face the fear of “not being me.”
One advantage we have in practicing awareness is that we
know—at least intellectually—that we will stop “being me” one day anyway. We’re
going to die.
The old expression “you can’t take it with you” applies to
money and possessions and can give the impression there’s a “you” that’s going somewhere
and will have to face what you can’t take with you. Good to clear up that
misconception for ourselves as soon as possible! If there is no I and there is no me, which an
awful lot of our spiritual heroes have strongly encouraged us to prove for
ourselves, then it’s unlikely any “one” is
going to make the journey and the main thing we won’t be taking with us is
I/me!
The “would you rather be right or be happy” got very popular
because people can sense the truth in it—though most people still choose
“right.” In awareness practice the question is even more direct: Would you
rather suffer as an ego or be happy?
I’m still looking for those folks who want to take the next
year to see and see through the whole mess, those intrepid spirits looking to
face and face down egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate once and for all.
Not someone who’s just curious, might be interested, would like to find out
more…. Nope. Not that person. This is the “I’ve had enough; I’m in if I die in
the effort.” Those are the ones.
As someone who is already doing the year-long “getting past money
and all other karma” retreat said, “I have wanted to face this (ego torture) all
my adult life; I just never had the courage or the support.”
It’s available now.
In gassho,
Cheri
