The person who does spiritual practice “on their own” has
ego as a teacher and guide. That can sound extreme, which it is, and it can
sound like an advertisement, which it is not.
At some point while training in Zen Awareness practice, I
got it that anybody could be my teacher. Anybody. I knew that as long as I
didn’t agree to “guidance” in conflict with the Precepts, I’d be fine. The
secret to the whole process is not finding someone wise to follow; it’s in
becoming wise enough to follow.
I read that Thomas Merton struggled against the direction of
his “superiors,” and speculation was that his willingness to submit to the
guidance of those who were his intellectual and spiritual inferiors made him
the saint he became.
I’ve “joked” for years that our difficult decisions would be
easy to make if we were willing to stop someone on the street, tell them our
story, ask what we should do, and do what they said. Of course I’m not joking;
it’s just that the suggestion is so appalling to conditioned minds that only as
a joke can the idea enter at all.
The ego is quite content to “practice” awareness as long as
it’s not threatening. To “understand” how things work, to gain insights, to
learn what enlightened masters knew is all perfectly acceptable. But when it
comes to the serious side of life—children, health, money, career,
retirement—ego needs to be put firmly in charge of the decisions. After all, something could happen. Something could go wrong. A mistake could be made.
All this letting go, accepting what is, trusting, facing the
inevitability of death is a wonderful theory, but it’s not going to fly when
push comes to shove. On a bright sunny day, with a full stomach, after a good
night’s sleep, cash and credit cards safely ensconced in the wallet, it’s
lovely to be open, expansive, and generous. But when there’s an unexplained
pain, an accident, a loss, a frightening diagnosis, the closing down and
tensing against feels automatic. The mind races, the heart pounds, the body
contracts. Survival. It’s not even a conscious thought. The system just lurches
off frantically in search of the thing that will make me safe.
Promise me something. Tell me what to do and sound like an
expert when you say it. Be the authority I can believe. Save me!
Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate “lives” for those
moments. (Consider it’s trying to manufacture that urgent, threat-to-survival
scenario throughout days when absolutely nothing threatening is happening. Be careful, watch out, what about…, what
if….) When something “legitimate” happens, there’s a near-hysterical ramp
up of fear, anxiety, and worry.
Urgency is the single most powerful weapon egocentric karmic
conditioning/self-hate has in its arsenal. Get a human being in a state of
urgency and that human will do just about anything the voices of ego-identity
say to do. Panic and unconsciousness go hand-in-hand and are potent fuel for a
rapid descent into suffering.
It’s true that every moment of life is our best opportunity
to wake up and end suffering, and some best opportunities are better than
others. Those “big jolt of fear, giant resistance, dig in the heels and hold on
(or push away) for dear life” times are the best of the best. Sadly, almost
everyone misses those best of the best opportunities to awaken and end
suffering because those are the very times the conditioning is strongest to
look to ego-identity for information and direction.
For those of us practicing awareness, that “legitimate”
moment is our signal to stop. Just stop. Sit down. Breathe. Attend to the
breath until calm is restored. Pick up the recorder; talk to the Mentor. Get
that repetitive, fear-mongering voice in the head outside the head. Breathe. Listen to the wisdom, love, and
compassion that’s available. Make no decisions in a state of urgency. Realize
the yammering voices in the head are not urging “good” decisions. Take some
time. Trust life. Look to the heart. Remember what’s important.
If this were the end
of my life, how do I choose to be?
May I live each moment in that way.
In gasshÅ,
Cheri
